Jack's Politics

Jack was arguing politics at Grandma's. He started out with a woman wearing enough jewelry to sink a small fishing boat. She, a cousin, got pissed because Jack is not a straight-ticket conservative on everything. I sat and listened. It was an education. Human politics as nearly as much of a mystery to me, and all weredogs, as is human religion.

Jack believes in the sanctity of separation of church and state and of public education. She hated that. After going back and forth for about half an hour she asked just where he stands on the important issues.

Jack took a long draw off his beer and said, "I am true conservative on the big issues. I think we should solve unemployment by passing laws liberating women from the workplace."

"Oh boy. Here we go," I thought.

"I think we should solve the over-crowded prisons problem by ramping up the death penalty and liberating a lot of scumbags from the burden of life. Or we can give them the choice of death brigades, send them over to the hottest spots for combat."

"I think we pass laws requiring all registered voters to own and be trained with several guns, their effective use, and small unit tactics. Then no one would fuck with us, I gair-own-tee.

"I think we should bring back the draft, for males and females. Nothing like going to war to earn your citizenship. There would, of course, have to be the option of non-military service. Don't want to carry a rifle? Fine. Grab a shovel."

"I think corporate mercenaries ought to be outlawed. Soldiering for profit has never been a good idea."

"I think all these CEOs getting bail outs ought to be sent back to their mail rooms for mandatory terms."

At this point a small crowd had assembled. I could tell that Jack was trying to provocate (them) and entertain (himself).

"I think anyone considered for Secretary of Defense ought to be a veteran. Putting a non-vet in that position is like that yahoo Dick Cheney is a disgrace."

"I think the gov't ought to flood the streets with poison-laced meth and crack, and whatever else. That would end the illegal drugs problem."

"I think corporations should not be allowed to govern. That is like allowing a teenager to run the home. corporations have one guiding logic: profit. Only one end-state with this: oligarchy."

"I think we should establish the American Foreign Legion. The rest of the world wants a piece of our pie anyway. Let them fight for it."

"I think we should build a McDonalds and Starbucks in every third world city of more than 100,000. Would work better than the gun in most spots."

By the time we left Grandma and all the country relatives, they did not know what to think of ol' Jack. Lots of mouths hanging open. Can't say I agree with Jack on all those. But, I do on many of them.

Chester